An evening with Silent Bob
Elizabeth and I have been fans of Kevin Smith since before we ever met each other. We’ve seen all of his movies so many times that it’s become second nature to work some of his more arcane quotes into our everyday conversations. (i.e. “You’re a cigarette”)
When I heard Kevin was coming to Austin to do one of his infamous Q&A sessions I knew we couldn’t miss it. We drove to Austin last night expecting Kevin to be rampantly uncensored about everything from the politics of Hollywood (Tim Burton is an idiot) to his movie star buddies (Ben Afflek is a sycophant) to his personal sex life (or lack there of). And he didn’t disappoint.
First off, the elephant in the room. Yes, he did spend about 30 to 45 minutes telling his side of the story about when he fell victim to Southwest Airline’s “Fatties Can’t Fly” rule. To sum it up, Kevin’s story is that 1) he is fat, 2) he fit, albeit not perfectly, in his seat and 3) he thinks he pissed off an already irritated employee with a bad joke and subsequently incurred the wrath of the menially employed. I know it’s only one side of the story, but it’s coming from a guy who recounted the first time he ever had sex with his wife in all of it’s embarrassing detail and distributed said events internationally via DVD. He can laugh at himself and walk away a better man. I don’t think he would have any reason to let overt pride get in the way of coming to reality with the situation.
Alright, some of the questions that were asked in all their paraphrased glory
Q: Do you play WoW?
A: No, Jason Mewes tried to get me to play the Lord of the Rings game, but it was all about growing crops, selling them so you could finance protection against Orcs. It was too much like a class in finance to hold my attention.
Q: What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened at Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash?
A: Kevin recounted the time he broke a toilet while dropping a deuce.
Q: Kevin, you’ve made a deal with the devil and your most sincere wishes have come true. Now, in return, you have to direct the final chapter of the Twilight movie saga. How would you do it?
A: Kevin recounted that that was the installment in which Bella gets pregnant and her vampire boyfriend has to eat the baby out of her. He would spend 15 minutes on just that seen and shoot it like a low-budget porn. He even offered what sounds might be heard from the chomping and slurping Edward.
Q: Would you call my friend and tell him happy birthday?
A: A little flabbergasted, Kevin relented and called some stoner’s friend. The crowd was pretty bored.
I don’t remember what the question was, but Kevin spent the final part of the session talking about his experiences directing Bruce Willis in his latest movie. He described it as his most difficult directorial task and detailed how Bruce made him “earn” the respect that a director usually garners on a movie set. At one point, Kevin was going to shoot a close-up of Bruce. Bruce asked him what size lens was going to be used to capture the shot. Kevin used his hands to frame his own chest and face and asked his Director of Photography what size lens would he need to get “that much” of Bruce. Apparently, Bruce rode Kevin’s ass hard explaining that a director has two jobs on set and knowing his lenses should be one of them.
Bottom line, Kevin did not disappoint. In a single thought he showed equal ease referencing the signature minimalism of Samuel Beckett’s writing style as dissecting the surreal dynamics of Bear/Cub sexual congress. However, be warned that if you ever plan to attend one of Kevin’s Q & As that you will be entertained, but it can run like a veritable marathon of humorous and self-deprecating anecdotes. Last night ran right about 3 hours long with no intermission. By the time he said good night my tail bone was numb and I was about to chew my own thumb off for want of nicotine. Although brevity and succinctness are in stark contrast to his signature story telling style, he would do well to edit down some of the stories for the sake of the audience’s attention span. I mean, keep in mind that his core demographic are young, male, stoners who primarily digest their entertainment in small, well-measured comic book portions.